How to Move into Your New Apartment Two Weeks Ago

By Anna Shvets on August 20, 2013

Ah, moving in: an activity that is as relaxing as a bank heist and as logistically complex as invading a small country. In a way, you are invading a very, very small country (population: spiders and clods of dust). My advice? Buy some electrical parts from that shady old guy next door and build yourself a time machine. I did, and now my apartment is perfect. The examples here are purely theoretical and did not happen.

1. Keep tools, food and cleaning supplies close to the surface. Protip: move-in is one of those times when you need a tape measure the most. Other times, let’s be realistic, it just lays there.

Exception: Finding a jar of granola in the depths of a box will be the highlight of your day. So: keep tools, cleaning chemicals, food, toiletries on the surface and jars of granola in boxes. Throw some kitten pics in there too.

2. No matter how carefully you inspected your apartment during the walk-through tour, you will find all kinds of little flaws. All you little move-in guides, let’s be realistic: no potential tenant opens windows in the dead of winter while the current occupant is home. 

If you lose the notes you made during walkthrough, well, reintroduce yourself to your stove, which is gas, not electric.

Note: there is no way to explain this to your family without seeming irresponsible.

3. Minivans are awesome. I support resource conservation as much as the next liberal college student, but sometimes they are immensely useful. Furniture, enormous amounts of boxes, Civil-War era cannons: all of these fit into minivans. When a minivan does not suffice, the Craiglist couch guy’s trailer will.

4. If you have a human sacrifice dungeon basement, put the excess stuff down there while you clean and organize. That way, you can move the furniture inside without playing a hellish cross between Tetris and Musical Chairs.

If you value exercise and/or frustration, feel free to ignore this tip.

5. Cleaning out your old apartment will suck. Always. There is no way to make it not suck. Your only choices are Suck and Mega Suck. “Wouldn’t moving in suck more?” you might say. Well, moving out is fraught with deadlines. You can’t just leave trash and boxes at your old place (well, you technically can, but then say goodbye to your stuff and your security deposit). Moving in, however, can be delayed indefinitely. Some people still have unpacked boxes in places they’ve lived in for years.

6. If you keep your doors open (say, while hauling in boxes and furniture), flies and mosquitoes will fly in and proceed to suck your blood and/or walk on your food* for the next week. Use citronella candles, flyswatters, or flamethrowers–or enlist the help of that one friend who makes all the annoying ninja jokes.

7. Your friends will not judge you for the state of your apartment a week post move-in. So just chill. You’re the one with the time machine.

*Mosquitoes can accomplish both at same time.

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